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Japanese Word Of The Day

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 Oh mai

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Mister Burke
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PostSubject: Oh mai   Mon Sep 28, 2009 11:32 pm

This is what I get for doing things this late.

Outside of town, there was a hill. On top sat a lonely shack that housed an old, lonely man with too much time on his hands. Occasionally we went to visit him, and he wove us an insane story about how the world will end. These stories almost always conflicted, but he made sure to include some mention of zombies and large, underground fallout shelters known as “vaults.” The realist in the group immediately dashed these theories, asking how he could see the future and such. The rest of us, though, just laughed this off. We were bored and asked him for the story, after all, why question it?
So, one afternoon, we got bored and visited the old man. As if he knew we were coming, he started his story almost the moment I opened his door. This one was different, though. While most of his stories were short, as they were made up on the spot, this one was long. As if he had spent time planning it out. By the time I had started listening, he had apparently gone through a lot of it, as I couldn’t understand a thing:
“You see, America has only one secretary of defense. A mister Myles Standish-“
“Who?” Our realist interrupted rudely, though we were all thinking it. The old man ignored him, however.
“Myles Standish is cryogenically frozen in an underground vault in Northern D.C. Every so often, our current “secretary of defense” unfreezes him and asks for his advice. His advice is how we won the second world war, how the north won the Civil War, in fact the only times his advice was not taken were Vietnam and our invasion of Iraq. Those two went well, didn’t they?
“Now, Myles here doesn’t know one thing. He’s giving advice to lizards. You see, the president, the governors, everyone important is a lizard person. They’re taking Myles’s advice because they wish to learn the human ways of warfare. When they do this, they’ll be ready to take us over. You see, the lizards are from a faraway planet known as ‘Alpha Draconus.’ Their sun is burning out, and their planet will soon freeze. The lizards need a new planet for their species, but the only hospitable planet they could find is ours. Instead of sharing, they plan on wiping us out.”
“Uh, lizards? People? What?” Our realist asked, but again was ignored.
“So, of course, they need a way to do this. In DC, near the White House, is a warehouse. In this warehouse is something known as the ‘Frozen Envelope.’ In it is a vial with a virus. This virus, when thawed, is known as Solanum. Solanum is what turns people into zombies.”
“And here come the zombies.” The realist exclaimed.
“They plan on launching missiles with the virus at, well, everywhere. But, first, they must perfect it. The current virus zombifies lizards too, but they’re working. Swine Flu, Malaria, Mad Cow Disease, Bird Flu, all are imperfect versions. Their projected release date for the ‘perfect’ one? December 21, 2012. So, on that day, they will fire the missiles at us. Be prepared.
“There is a cure, though. In this same warehouse is a box. This box holds something amazing-the Ark of the Covenant. In the ark is the cure. Open it, and the zombies will be cured, the lizards will melt. So, go, my children. Use this knowledge to save the worl-“ The old man then stopped, out of breath. The story done, the other children began to pile out, commenting on the sudden ending and how insane it all was.
Of course, nobody thought he meant it all. He made these up all of the time. But this time, I saw it in his eyes. He meant it. Despite the reactions of the children, he did grasp one supporter. And when the zombies rise, I will be ready.
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